


Dear Agony

by xXHolmesInHidingXx



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Based on video, Help, M/M, Wincest - Freeform, based on breaking benjamin song
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-24 18:48:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13817250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXHolmesInHidingXx/pseuds/xXHolmesInHidingXx
Summary: A series of oneshots for our favourite brothers- fluff and angst mostly- I take requests!





	1. Chapter 1

Sam poured out a glass of whiskey, staring at it contemplatively. Why was he doing this? Never mind. The drink was downed in one go. He was drinking away his intense feelings for the man that he shouldn’t want- Dean Winchester. His older brother. 

His mind went back to the first time he’d felt the stab of jealousy of seeing Dean with a girl. She hadn’t even been that hot... at least Sam hadn’t thought so. She was fairly average looking, to be honest. Blonde. Probably a cheerleader? They seemed to be Dean’s type. Sam hated her instantly. Hated the way she straddled his body, hated that mischievous smile on her face when Dean dipped his head back to allow her lips better access to his neck. Hated the fact that she was even there in the first place. Hated that Dean was so blind to his feelings, that he brought some random girl home to give him what Sam would give in a heartbeat- it didn’t matter that he’d been about 13 at the time, or that he’d never done it before. In that moment he *really* wanted to. He wanted Dean. 

A few weeks after seeing the girl in Dean’s room, Sam was studying after school when one of the prettiest girls in his grade came over and sat beside him. They’d just been talking. But for some reason a stab of jealousy went through Dean’s body. This girl was kind, and sweet, and cute, probably would be good for Sammy ... she was everything that Dean couldn’t be for him. Those feelings had to go away- he’d thought that girl had pushed them back a little, but seeing Sam talk and try to flirt with this other girl killed him. He desperately wanted to go over there and prove that Sam was *his*. But... he wasn’t. Sam was nothing more to him than his little brother, and he had to remember that before he ended up trying to do something stupid like kiss him. Which was the stupidest move he could ever make. That could end up meaning that he loses Sam forever. Finally, this girl left and Dean saw his chance to go over there.  
“Hey, kid. Who was that?” Questioning while still hiding the jealousy. Good. Sam looked up at him, and that previous resolve almost faltered- almost. But it didn’t.   
“Just some girl. She’s in my Creative Writing class, wanted to know what the assignment was. And to ask if I wanted to grab a milkshake with her some time.” Dean faltered at these words. Was Sam trying to make him jealous, or was he serious? His chest ached with confusion and pain. What was this boy doing to him? Damnit... Dean finally came to the realisation that a slightly awkward silence had fallen over them.   
“Be careful, Sammy.” He said finally, not really knowing what else he could say. 

Both brothers knew exactly what they were doing. As they grew up, both found girls who could distract them from their emotional battles- Dean drowning his in one night stands, knowing that he couldn’t feel anything for anyone other than the one he truly wanted, so not giving himself chance to fall. Sam... well, Sam met Jess. He fell in love with her, and that love meant that he could force back the feelings for Dean. Until their dad went missing, and Dean broke into his apartment in the middle of the night. Their relationship had become distant, both trying and failing to forget the other. That meant that they ended up taking that out on each other. They’d argued. Sam had said something, a comment about their mom... Dean pushed him against one of the bridge’s pillars. Both boys found themselves staring at each other in the half-light, chests rising and falling rapidly with the sudden rush of adrenaline. Half-forgotten ignored passions sparked up between them at the force of the Hold Dean had on his younger brother. Then they were kissing. The memory of Dean’s full lips against his own made Sam shiver a little, even after all of those years. He had a few pictures spread out on the table before him of him and Dean. They were happy. Sam’s favourite was one where he was looking at Dean, and Dean looking to the ground- both smiling at some joke that neither remembered. What Sam did remember, though, was what happened after the photograph had been taken. They’d gone off into the forest, leaving Bobby behind. Finally alone, they could no longer fight the intense pull that seemed to be between them almost constantly. Sam had pushed Dean against a tree, making sure they were hidden from sight before unzipping his older brother’s pants. What followed was intense, and beautiful, and meant everything to both of them. It wasn’t Dean’s usual hookup. It could never be a one night stand. This was what both Sam and Dean had secretly wanted for a long time. No matter what they did, who they slept with, there was only one that mattered. 

But Sam had to mess all of that up, didn’t he? With that girl... Kara. Dean had found out, and of course he was angry! It made sense. He’d messed up. But Dean couldn’t hate him, couldn’t stop loving him. He couldn’t control the reaction his body had whenever Sam’s fingers even accidentally brushed over his skin. He couldn’t even force it away with girls now, so he got drunk. He was just pouring another glass of whiskey, maybe his fourth? When Sam walked in.   
“Why are you here?” Dean asked harshly.  
“I’m sorry.” Sam said simply, before neither could control it any longer. They practically ran into each other’s arms, lips crashing together with a force and a passion that so perfectly summed up what they had together and who they were. Sam took control, as he always did, and Dean had never felt so much pleasure in his life. Then, when he awoke to find Sam still there... he knew that they were okay. They were them again.


	2. Can You Hold Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Based on another video by Brendazacian :)

Sam Winchester’s smile was his brother’s undoing. Every time it lit up his face he fell all over again, even harder than the last time. Trying to push him away never worked. One of those smiles later and they were lost in each other all over again. It was… an addiction. A serious problem, and they both knew it. Knowing didn’t make it any easier to stop.

One unusually cold August morning, Dean woke up alone after a night with Sam. He knew he was alone from the absence of heat in the bed- Sammy radiated warmth like he was the sun. Dean liked to call him his Star, and joked that it was why he was drawn to him. He groaned softly and rolled over, blinking a few times to clear his vision. “Sammy?” There was a note on the bedside table. 

Thanks for tonight. Get breakfast? SW x

Thanks for tonight? ‘Cause that made Dean seem like a wonderful person, didn’t it? He put his head in his hands and groaned in frustration.

Meanwhile in Sam’s head, everything was going to hell. He’d walked out of the motel room about two hours after Dean had fallen asleep- Lucifer had been taunting him for an hour and a half before he finally got up and left. “I want Dean.” He snapped, gritting his teeth to keep back the tears burning in his eyes. Lucifer merely laughed.

“Oh, sweetheart. Dean doesn’t want you.”

“Yeah, right. I’ll believe that when he says it.” There was something… just a little niggling thing, the dreaded ‘what if’ thoughts that he had to keep hidden from Dean at all times. 

“But you already do believe it. Look at you. Would you really do this to yourself if you believed that he wanted you? Or even loved you?” The way Lucifer spoke of love, the pure contempt with which he said it, made Sam’s blood turn to ice in his veins. And there it was again. That discomfort, the irresistible need for it to be out of him. Out of his body. 

“You’re making me.”

“Prove it.”

Sam had had enough of the taunting. The discomfort in his wrists had become too much to bear. He didn’t want to hurt anymore. He wanted his big brother- he never hurt like this when he was with Dean. Lucifer turned away, looking out of the window, so Sam took his chance to slip his phone from his pocket. He hit one on speed dial- Dean, of course- and put the phone behind his back. 

“Why am I here?” He asked once he was certain that Dean had picked up. There was nothing Lucifer liked more than to gloat, so Sam knew to use that to his advantage. The archangel laughed. 

“You’re here because I need you to be. Say yes, and I’ll heal you.” Bargaining now? Great. Just as Sam thought his pain couldn’t get any worse, it did. He couldn’t hold back the soft whine that slipped from his lips as he desperately fought to stop his hands scrabbling for one of the many blades he had in his possession. 

“You’re the one causing this.” He spat. 

Lucifer tutted like a mother exasperated with the actions of her young son. “Shush, now. I’m bored of this game.” He said softly. Sam heard the click of the phone that he knew meant Dean had hung up and was on his way. 

“Me too. Why don’t you let me go?” He tried. 

“Oh, dear Sammy.” Lucifer laughed. Sam found himself confused- what was so funny to him? “You’re not going anywhere.”

Unable to resist the temptation any longer, Sam slipped a blade from his boot. Just one, just a little, then he’d feel better. But… it was the devil in his head that made him need it. Dean would find him and make it all okay, he didn’t need it. 

“I’m not giving into you.” He spat finally. Pushing the knife as far away as he could possibly get it. Dean would be so proud of him… the thought came into Sam’s head suddenly. 

“I know you have more than that.” Lucifer picked it up, staring at it with a detached but clearly feigned interest before sliding it back to Sam. The younger Winchester sobbed and clasped trembling hands together. “You want it… need it, even.” The angel taunted. 

“I don’t need it. I don’t need anything.” To admit that he did would be to admit weakness, and Sam could definitely not afford to do that. Especially not in front of Satan himself. All of a sudden the door crashed open. And there was Dean. Sam nearly collapsed with relief. “Dean? Oh, god, you’re here.” His brother was stood in the doorway, wielding an angel blade and an expression like thunder. 

“Get away from him.” Dean snarled, advancing closer. He saw the blade at Sam’s feet and instantly knew what was going on. “You don’t need that, Star. I’m right here.”

Sam allowed himself to be pulled into the strong embrace of the older man. He hid his trembling hands, grateful and relieved that his pain was lessening. “No. I don’t, cause I have you.”

“You sure do. Now, how about we get back to the room and get you changed so we can grab some breakfast?” Dean suggested, carefully helping Sam to his feet.

“Okay… and, Dean?”

“Yeah, Star?”

“Can you hold me?”


	3. Not Alone- part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first of two parts, based on the lovely (and very sad) video Not Alone by Brendazacian which, of course, uses the song Not Alone by RED. I also used Bleachless by Elizabeth Grace while I was writing it. Described by my friend as "quality angst" but yknow, its a really bad quality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to apologise in advance for this. I've not been well lately, so this is determination-fuelled writing that began at 4am and... didn't stop. I did as I promised I would, my dear Brendazacian, and gave in to the mania, so that is the reason for the terribleness of this xx

Not Alone- For Brendazacian

Dean had been feeling off lately. He’d put it down to some bug, just a passing sickness that would be gone in a day or too. But it didn’t. If anything, it got worse, and Sam got worried. 

The older Winchester was growing paler and paler every day. Sometimes the sheer force of the pain he was in would make him retreat into himself, which really was unusual. He barely spoke, didn’t smile. Sam could see the pain etched into his face with every move he made. So they went to doctor after doctor. They poked and prodded and scanned and just frowned at Dean before finally telling him what was wrong. The same answer every time: there was “something unusual” in his body. A tumour that was buried deep in his body. Too deep for them to get it out. The research that the pair had done following these appointments told them something else. And it was this that Sam went back to on long nights as he watched over Dean. When his brother was especially bad, when the sickness was really taking hold, Sam wouldn’t allow himself to sleep in case something happened and he was unable to get help fast enough. So he kept going back to that page.

“Survival rate: 50%”

Sam didn’t know whether to take that as hope, because it wasn’t certain that this thing was going to kill Dean, or as a disappointment. Because there still was the chance that it could. It’s not like it was a huge survival rate, either- when it comes down to it, 50% isn’t good. He wanted a 100% survival rate. He didn’t want to lose Dean! Dean was the man he loved above all else, his everything. Losing him… well, it would feel as though Sam had lost a piece of his heart, of his soul even. 

But all of that took a while to hit him. It wasn’t until one of the worst days so far for Dean that it did. He had been unable to find the strength to leave the bed that they shared, and couldn’t keep down anything more substantial than soup. So Sam had sat at his side, feeding him soup when his arms became too weak for him to do it himself. Calming his fears and assuring him that it would all be okay.

“You’re the strongest and bravest man I know, Dean. You will beat this.” He whispered. Dean frowned and lifted his hand just slightly, only as much as his limited strength would allow, to try to clasp Sam’s hand in his own. The younger man took the hint instantly and grabbed Dean’s hand. 

“I don’t feel strong.” Dean murmured back, voice hoarse from pain. 

“You are, babe. I love you, okay? And I’m proud of you for fighting this.”

“I don’t want to fight it!” Sam couldn’t be sure whether Dean really was angry, as his voice was too weak to convey any kind of emotion. He just sounded… tired, and lost. Much like Sam himself felt. “Not alone, anyway.” He added, but Sam didn’t hear. If he’d heard that, he would have gathered his love in his arms and held on until he realised that he wasn’t alone. He had Sam, who would be by his side every step of the way. He’d already decided that Dean’s wellbeing would come before anything else, even his own life. 

“Why don’t you get some sleep?” He tried, standing up and taking the bowl into the kitchen. When he returned, Dean was asleep. The limited strength within him meant that he would succumb to a deep sleep very quickly, and was likely to stay like that for a while. 

Sam went back to that page. He let those words comfort him rather than being terrified by their prospects. “50%... We’ll be okay.” He kept whispering to himself over and over, until he too fell into the deep embrace of sleep.


	4. Not Alone (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part two of Not Alone- Dean and Sam get some news :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucky you! Two video fics in one day! I'm celebrating haha :)

“50%... We’ll be okay.” He told himself every passing day, even when Dean was too sick to get out of bed, when the pain engulfed his entire body and left him a muted canvas of his former brilliance. It was supposed to comfort him. But with every trip to the hospital, with every little speck of light that Sam could see leaving his love’s eyes, that statement became more and more horrifying. Rather than the 50% that he would survive, it was the other 50 -the 50 that meant he could lose Dean- that became prevalent in his mind’s eye. And it was breaking Sam apart from within. 

The doctor suggested chemotherapy. Dean took it, meaning that for several hours a week Sam had to sit by his side and watch as the man he loved above all else had several different drugs forced into his system by a needle in his arm. The treatment left him tired and caused even more pain than the illness itself- not helped by the fact that every so often, Dean would shift a little in his seat, try to stretch, and then wince as the needle tugged uncomfortably at his skin. Every time he did, Sam would rise just a little from his own chair, fretting nervously until Dean laughed weakly and insisted that he was fine. “Or as fine as I can be with this thing.” He teased. 

Sam didn’t find it funny. He wasn’t entirely sure that it had actually occurred to his lover just yet that he could actually die. He could die and leave him alone, and that wasn’t fair! It wasn’t fair that it had to be Dean to go through this hell, that it had to be him who was poked and prodded by doctors almost constantly. On the long sleepless nights where the 50% chance just wouldn’t comfort him, Sam found himself wishing that he was in that position instead. 

But he wasn’t, and Dean was, so Sam needed to be there for him through it all. Even when the chemo made him weak, tired and even sicker than he’d been before, Sam was at his side. 

Months passed. They were months of Dean getting worse and worse, and no one knowing whether it was the treatment or the tumour that they were trying to treat that was making him that way. Months of Sam having to shake Dean awake practically every night when the nightmares took hold. Months of both emotional and physical exhaustion for the couple. They’d started to both fall asleep during chemo sessions, Dean’s free hand clutching the sleeve of Sam’s shirt. Sam had once woken up to find a nurse standing over Dean and there was a fleeting moment of panic where he’d genuinely believed that his boyfriend was gone. Tears burned in his eyes, and he’d looked up at the nurse pleadingly. 

“How long?” He murmured. The nurse turned her gaze to him and smiled, something which only served to agitate Sam even further.

“Shouldn’t be too long now, sweetheart. He’s nearly done.” She told him softly. Sam frowned and looked over at Dean. 

“Nearly done? What’s that supposed to mean?” He snapped. “Is he getting worse? Did he get worse without me noticing? Tell me!” 

There was a moment of silence, the only sound being Sam’s heavy breathing as he forced himself to calm down. “Take a look for yourself.” The nurse murmured eventually. So Sam got to his feet and joined her at his boyfriend’s side. He took in the wire still attached to Dean’s arm, the fluid still flowing through it- which did seem to be nearly gone. Then his eyes flickered to Dean’s face, the eyes shut and skin pale with illness. Then to his chest, which was rising and falling as he breathed. Relief hit him with all the force of a freight train, and tears burned in his eyes. 

“I’ll never let you leave me.” Sam insisted shakily, pulling his chair closer to Dean’s and entwining his fingers with those of Dean’s wire-free hand. “Never.”

His love’s eyes fluttered open, the green of them as bright as ever. Those eyes were never dulled by his pain, not like the rest of him. They continued to shine in the way that had captivated Sam all those years ago. “I wouldn’t leave you. I don’t wanna die alone.” He whispered.

“No. Not alone.” Sam agreed, nodding a little. The fluid had finally stopped flowing, so the nurse disconnected him from the wires and told him with a slight smile that he could go home. 

The next week, Dean had another scan. It was just routine, the doctor informed them, to make sure it hadn’t spread and that the treatment was working. 

“It’s incredible.” The doctor said after, looking at the results. “We’ve never seen these results this quickly.” 

“What is it?” Both Sam and Dean asked at the same time. 

“It’s gone. Completely.”

The two didn’t let go of each other for hours after they returned home. Dean was okay. He wasn’t going to die. 

Not alone, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy ending! Thanks to the lovely Brendazacian for making the gorgeous video that inspired this, and I hope you like it! :)


	5. You Never Learn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of fluff to make up for all of the soul-destroying pain that I've been posting lately- Sam tries to get Dean to wake up. This one isn't based on a video- it's purely from my mind!

“C’mon, Dean!” Sam whined, tugging on the arm of his sleeping boyfriend. That action got no response from the older boy, but that didn’t discourage Sam at all. He just continued to attempt to wake Dean, getting more and more insistent with every passing second.

“I’m still sleeping, baby. Lemme sleep.” A slow smile was beginning to spread across Dean’s face. He was slightly amused by his boyfriend’s persistence. But, god, he just wanted to sleep! Couldn’t Sammy understand that? His mistake, though, was in responding. 

Instead of Sam dropping it (honestly, Dean shoulda known that wasn’t going to happen. His boyfriend was one stubborn kid, whether it came to the last Pop-Tart or even just something like this, like getting out of bed), he let out the cutest giggle and practically pounced on Dean. “You are awake! I knew it, you’re awake!” He said over and over, planting kisses all over the older boy’s face. Finally, Sam kissed Dean properly, and Dean couldn’t resist weaving his hands into the long hair that framed Sam’s face and reciprocating passionately. “Now, now get out of bed.”

“Nope.” Dean said immediately, falling back onto the bed and pretending to sleep, mock-snoring just to wind Sam up. And, like always, it worked. 

“Dean…” There was a period of silence, during which Dean knew the famously effective puppy eyes had been employed specially for the purpose of getting him up. But, keeping his eyes resolutely squeezed shut, Dean ignored the pleading. He finally stopped the act, however, when it seemed like Sam was beginning to become annoyed with him. He didn’t like it when his boy was annoyed with him.

“Look, look- I’m awake. Okay?”

“Why do you have to fight me on this all the time, Dean?” Sam sighed. Dean could see that the expression in his eyes was one that warranted seriousness, so he did the complete opposite of that as usual. 

“Because, baby”- here Dean paused to emphasise his point with a brief kiss to the younger boy’s lips- “you never learn.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short, hope its good enough to make up for all the angst I've been posting lately! xx


End file.
